commit: 9c3965507f0740fcc239e019f92f15c90e742a4e
parent da737ba526e6cb8ca1c3fe8c96409a73e1f8cab3
Author: Drew DeVault <sir@cmpwn.com>
Date: Mon, 1 May 2023 11:27:36 +0200
Burnout
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diff --git a/content/blog/2023-05-01-Burnout.md b/content/blog/2023-05-01-Burnout.md
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+---
+title: Burnout
+date: 2023-05-01
+---
+
+It kind of crept up on me. One day, sitting at my workstation, I stopped typing,
+stared blankly at the screen for a few seconds, and a switch flipped in my head.
+
+On the night of New Year's Eve, my backpack was stolen from me on the train from
+Berlin to Amsterdam, and with it about $2000 worth of equipment, clothes, and so
+on. A portent for the year that was to come. I generally keep my private and
+public lives carefully separated, but perhaps I will offer you a peek behind the
+curtain today.
+
+It seems like every week or two this year, another crisis presented itself, each
+manageable in isolation. Some were independent events, others snowballed as the
+same problems escalated. Gossip at the hackerspace, my personal life put on
+display and mocked. A difficult break-up in February, followed by a close friend
+facing their own relationship's hurtful end. Another close friend -- old, grave
+problems, once forgotten, remembered, and found to still be causing harm. Yet
+another friend, struggling to deal with depression and emotional abuse at the
+hands of their partner. Another friendship still: lost, perhaps someday to be
+found again.
+
+Dependable Drew, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, always knowing the
+right words to say, ready to help and proud to be there for his friends. Friends
+who, amidst these crises, are struggling to be there for him.
+
+These events, set over the background of a world on fire.
+
+One of the more difficult crises in my purview reached its crescendo one week
+ago, culminating in death. A selfish end for a selfish person, a person who had
+hurt people I love; a final, cruel cut to the wounds we were trying to heal.
+
+I took time for myself throughout these endless weeks, looked after myself as
+best I could, and allowed my productivity to wane as necessary, unburdened by
+guilt in so doing. I marched on when I had the energy to, and made many
+achievements I'm proud of.
+
+Something changed this week. I have often remarked that when you're staring down
+a hard problem, one which might take years or even decades to finish, that you
+have two choices: give up or get to work. The years are going to pass either
+way. I am used to finding myself at the base of a mountain, picking up my
+shovel, and getting started. Equipped with this mindset, I have patiently ground
+down more than one mountain in my time. But this week, for the first time in my
+life, as I gazed upon that mountain, I felt intimated.
+
+I'm not sure what the purpose of this blog post is. Perhaps I'm sharing an
+experience that others might be able to relate to. Perhaps it's healing in some
+way. Maybe it's just indulgent.
+
+I'm going to take the time I need to rest. I enjoy the company of wonderful
+colleagues at SourceHut, who have been happy to pick up some of the slack. I
+have established a formal group of maintainers for Hare and given them my
+blessing to work without seeking my approval. My projects will remain healthy as
+I take a leave. See you soon.
