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2023-05-01-Burnout.md (3013B)

    

  1. ---
  2. title: Burnout
  3. date: 2023-05-01
  4. ---
  6. It kind of crept up on me. One day, sitting at my workstation, I stopped typing,
  7. stared blankly at the screen for a few seconds, and a switch flipped in my head.
  9. On the night of New Year's Eve, my backpack was stolen from me on the train from
  10. Berlin to Amsterdam, and with it about $2000 worth of equipment, clothes, and so
  11. on. A portent for the year that was to come. I generally keep my private and
  12. public lives carefully separated, but perhaps I will offer you a peek behind the
  13. curtain today.
  15. It seems like every week or two this year, another crisis presented itself, each
  16. manageable in isolation. Some were independent events, others snowballed as the
  17. same problems escalated. Gossip at the hackerspace, my personal life put on
  18. display and mocked. A difficult break-up in February, followed by a close friend
  19. facing their own relationship's hurtful end. Another close friend -- old, grave
  20. problems, once forgotten, remembered, and found to still be causing harm. Yet
  21. another friend, struggling to deal with depression and emotional abuse at the
  22. hands of their partner. Another friendship still: lost, perhaps someday to be
  23. found again.
  25. Dependable Drew, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, always knowing the
  26. right words to say, ready to help and proud to be there for his friends. Friends
  27. who, amidst these crises, are struggling to be there for him.
  29. These events, set over the background of a world on fire.
  31. One of the more difficult crises in my purview reached its crescendo one week
  32. ago, culminating in death. A selfish end for a selfish person, a person who had
  33. hurt people I love; a final, cruel cut to the wounds we were trying to heal.
  35. I took time for myself throughout these endless weeks, looked after myself as
  36. best I could, and allowed my productivity to wane as necessary, unburdened by
  37. guilt in so doing. I marched on when I had the energy to, and made many
  38. achievements I'm proud of.
  40. Something changed this week. I have often remarked that when you're staring down
  41. a hard problem, one which might take years or even decades to finish, that you
  42. have two choices: give up or get to work. The years are going to pass either
  43. way. I am used to finding myself at the base of a mountain, picking up my
  44. shovel, and getting started. Equipped with this mindset, I have patiently ground
  45. down more than one mountain in my time. But this week, for the first time in my
  46. life, as I gazed upon that mountain, I felt intimidated.
  48. I'm not sure what the purpose of this blog post is. Perhaps I'm sharing an
  49. experience that others might be able to relate to. Perhaps it's healing in some
  50. way. Maybe it's just indulgent.
  52. I'm going to take the time I need to rest. I enjoy the company of wonderful
  53. colleagues at SourceHut, who have been happy to pick up some of the slack. I
  54. have established a formal group of maintainers for Hare and given them my
  55. blessing to work without seeking my approval. My projects will remain healthy as
  56. I take a leave. See you soon.