drewdevault.com

bleh.md (3762B)

---
title: bleh
date: 2022-05-30
---
A few weeks ago, the maintainer of a project on SourceHut stepped down from
their work, citing harassment over using SourceHut as their platform of choice.
It was a difficult day when I heard about that.
Over the past few weeks, I have been enduring a bit of a depressive episode.
It's a complex issue rooted in several different problems, but I think a major
source of it is the seemingly constant deluge of hate I find myself at the
receiving end of online. I had to grow a thick skin a long time ago, but lately
it has not been thick enough. I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep up
with my work.
Perhaps it this has something to do with the backlash, not just against me and
my work, but against others who use and participate in that work. It's not
enough to dislike my programming language, but the skeptics must publicly
denounce it and discourage others from using it. It's irresponsible, if not
immoral, to design a language without a borrow checker in 2022. SourceHut's
email-oriented approach might not be for everyone, and instead of simply not
using it, skeptics must harass any projects that do. This kind of harassment is
something I hear about often from many maintainers of projects on SourceHut. It
breaks my heart and I feel helpless to do anything about it.
I'm also often dealing with harassment directed at me alone. When I complained
this week about being DDoSed by a company with over a billion dollars in annual
revenue, it was portrayed as righteous retribution and a sign of incompetence. I
can't even count the number of times someone has said they would refuse to use
SourceHut (and that you, too, dear reader, should avoid it) on the sole basis
that I'm involved with it. There is a steady supply of vile comments about me
based on "facts" delivered from the end of a game of telephone in which every
participant hates my guts, all easily believable without further research
because I'm such a villainous character. Every project I work on, every blog
post I write, even many of the benign emails to public lists or GitHub issues I
open — the response is just vitriol.
I have made no shortage of mistakes, and there are plenty of hurt feelings which
can be laid at my feet. I am regretful for my mistakes, and I have worked
actively to improve. I think that it has been working. Perhaps that's arrogant
of me to presume, but I'm not sure what else to do. Must I resign myself to my
fate for stupid comments I made years ago? I'm sorry, and I've been working to
do better. Can I have another chance?
For some I think the answer is "no". Many of my detractors just want me to shut
up. No more blog posts, no new projects. Just go away, Drew.
Well, I can't say it's not working. This stuff gets to me. At times like this I
have very little motivation to work. If you're looking for a strategy to get me
to shut up, just ensure that I have a constant flow of toxic comments to read.
I love writing code, at least most of the time. I believe in my principles and I
enjoy writing software that embodies them. I love doing it, and I'm really good
at it, and thousands of people are depending on my work.
I'm doing the work that I believe in, and working with people who share those
values. I have worked very hard for that privilege. I'm sorry that it's not good
enough for many people. I'm just trying to do my best. And if you must harass
anyone over it, at least harass me, and not anyone else. My inbox is at
sir@cmpwn.com, and I promise that I will read your email and cry, so that no one
else has to.
I'll close by thanking those who have sent me positive notes. Some of these
comments are very touching. If you've sent one of these, you have my thanks.
Love you :)